Dear F.A.G: I am a 26-year-old gay man and my boyfriend is 28. We have been together for a year and nine months. We are already talking about marriage, silly gay boys, huh. I don't know what to do. I am the one that works, he doesn't. I manage all the finances in the house. He plays Xbox and surfs the Internet.
We have been living together since day one. I brought him into my home and asked him to stay. A year into our relationship, we invited a friend into bed with us. Ever since then we have had several threesomes. Now he doesn't like them because he doesn't like anyone touching me. I, in fact, like being with other guys. I admit, it was a stupid thing to do. Now we have serious communication problems and actually got into a fistfight once because I caught him with someone in bed when I came home. We separated for a week and got back together. We have been together ever since.
The problem is we both love each other so much, but I don't like the way our relationship is going. I don't like sleeping with him because he gained weight and he doesn't touch me the way he once did. I get grossed out whenever I do sleep with him and have to take a shower afterwards.
Am I confused or do I really still love him? I would feel bad if I were to break up with him. The thing is I see no future for us if he doesn't get up and do something with his life. He tells me he loves me and I feel that it's enough until we go to bed. What am I to do, should I break up with him or should I try to fix things and hope for the best? Am I just used to him being around and that's why I think I need him? - In Need Of Gay Advice
Dear In Need:
You sure packed a lot of information into your letter. That's good because it gives me a fuller picture of what is going on in the situation.
You already admitted that that whole 3-way thing was a bad idea, or in your words "a stupid thing to do," so I'm not going to berate you (much) for that. You should not have been living with him since day one. It's that simple. You deprived yourself of going through formative stages of your relationship in the correct order. There's no way to fix this now, but please don't make that error in the future if you are ever in a position to make that choice again.
Let's take your questions point by point. You mentioned that you are talking about marriage. That discussion needs to be shelved while you solve all the other issues. Marriage is a life-long serious, commitment, not fix-all glue that you apply to cracked relationships.
I don't see a problem with one person managing the finances in a household as long as both partners are equally aware of the details surrounding the transactions. However, it sounds as if he refuses to work. Unless he is a video game tester, then playing Xbox all day is not going to get him any closer to employment. It would be different if you told me that you as a couple had originally decided that one of you would work and the other would stay at home to take care of the household, but that's not the case. You are clearly upset with the financial situation. You need to discuss this with him and come up with a plan to change it.
The problems in the bedroom are symptomatic of everything else going on in the relationship. You asked if you still love him. Nobody can answer that for you. You also stated that you both "love each other so much." It's obvious there is a lot of confusion going on in that gay household! Loving someone means you have to work through the problems, not that the problems don't exist.
One thing you didn't contradict is when you said you that you see no future for the two of you if he doesn't get up and do something with his life. I agree that he needs to get up and do something with his life - regardless of whether you stay together. He needs to be able to stand on his own in order to be available as a real partner. Even if you stay together, it will be the difference between dependence and interdependence.
The question to ask yourself is if you want to stand by him while he goes through that process. If so, you can re-build your relationship with him at the same time, but this time you will be a wiser builder who is building on a better foundation.
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