Gay Boyfriend

Dear F.A.G.: My gay boyfriend of six months and I are in a committed relationship.  He knows that I’m strictly a vanilla-sex kind of guy and that  I have strong beliefs in having a “regular” relationship.  He asked me recently if I would have a 3-way with him and a mutual friend of ours.  My other friends say it's a good idea as it will spice up our sex lives, except for the choice of the mutual friend.  They think it should be a stranger so as not to complicate things.  What do you think? – 3 Way or No way

Dear 3 Way:  You’re friends are quite perceptive.  (Attention all units:  Sarcasm Alert). Having three people in in your bed won’t “complicate” things as long as the third person is a stranger?  Did I read that right?  You described this as a committed relationship.  Committed to what? Reinforcing stereotypes that gay men are nothing but horndogs who need to have multiple sexual partners – at the same time?  It’s time to tell that boyfriend to forget the three-way and instead hit the freeway.  You may need to be driving solo for a time while you figure out why you would even consider this and date a man who would ask you such a thing, especially knowing your convictions against it.  In the meantime, spice up your social circle by adding some new friends too. 

Dear F.A.G.: You’re gay so I'm assuming you know about oral sex, right?  Here’s the thing – I’m a woman and my boyfriend says I give the worst blowjobs he’s ever received.  I’ve never had complaints in the past, but maybe the guys didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  How can I get better at this?  I’m embarrassed so I can’t tell anyone in person. Thanks. – Blowing (Not Bubbles) 

Dear Blowing:  I have a theory why they never complained.  This has been said before, but it's worth repeating:  Blowjobs are like pizza. Even when they are bad, they are still pretty good.  Maybe your current boyfriend is just pickier than average.  He is also lucky. Many women hate giving blowjobs to any degree and write to me asking how to get out of having to go through the ritual.  Your boyfriend has you, someone who is seeking out help to improve her skills. If he doesn’t know how lucky he is, you should tell him.  Frequently.  The answer to your question should make you both happy.  It’s practice, practice, and practice!  I know this is going to sound a bit academic, but you need a plan.  I suggest you ask your boyfriend what he likes specifically and start with that.  Good sex is about communication, both verbal and nonverbal.  Make sure to reserve some time for what you like too since you will deserve a reward for all your “hard” work.  

Dear F.A.G.: I'm dating two guys at once.  One of them gets me all hot and horny as soon as I lay eyes on him.  The physical stuff is great, but then we have nothing to talk about for the rest of the evening. The other guy does practically nothing for me physically (unless I really concentrate), but we have the most amazing dates as far as having a good time going out together, having a quiet dinner, really talking to each other, etc.  I’m only 21 so I have plenty of time to settle down later.  Right now, I am kind of leaning toward living it up with the hottie.  Sound good?  - Single and Having Twice the Fun

Dear Single:  When I read the questions for the column, I usually have an initial reaction that tells me how I will respond, and then I spend time carefully crafting my reply based on that initial response.  Your letter is one of the few exceptions.  My first thought was to tell you to go with the non-physical guy.  I was going to ask if you were crazy to give up all that just for physical fun.  It’s like picking the mansion over the ranch house while knowing that the mansion was nothing but a Hollywood studio façade…looks good, but nothing behind it. While thinking more deeply about your question, I realized that you aren't mature enough yet for the solid guy.  That relationship would be wasted on you and you’d be wasting his time as well. Therefore, you should live it up and have your fun with Mr. Makes-You-Hot. But just remember, no fair crying later when you do grow up a little more and realize what’s really important in a relationship.  One more thing – stick to dating one guy at a time.  One is more than enough trouble!

Dear F.A.G.: I broke up with my ex about four months ago after about a year and half of dating.  It was a mutual thing so there are no hard feelings.  Just before we broke up, we bought tickets together for a trip to Europe. We both have low paying part time jobs and we had saved for almost the whole time we were together for this special trip.  Once we broke up, we agreed to just go on the trip as friends.  The issue is that my ex has been dating someone else for a month now and this guy is throwing a big fit about my ex and I going off to Europe on what he calls “a romantic interlude sure to awaken the smoldering spark between us.”  (Yeah, he's a major drama queen.)  Since none of us has the money to forfeit the tickets or to buy another one out, we are kind of stuck.  I don’t want to mess up my ex’s new relationship, but I also don’t want to miss out on a two-week trip to Europe that I already paid for.   Do you see any way out of this mess? – Vacation Destination: Disaster

Dear Disaster: Romantic interlude?  Awakening smoldering sparks?  There’s more drama in that queen than in the entire Royal Shakespeare Company. The fact that you are the one trying to come up with the solution is admirable given the circumstances.  Considering the way that this evolved and the fact that everything was in place long before the new boyfriend entered the picture, you should feel no guilt about taking the trip as planned.  Should the problems continue, It is up to your ex to deal with the jealous new boyfriend and the ramifications of going as planned.  I find it interesting that you said you didn’t want to miss out on the trip you paid for which indicates that you considered not going.  If anyone has to make that sacrifice, it should be your ex who could give the ticket to you to find a new traveling companion of your choice.  Arrangements could be made to pay him back at a later time.  Here’s a radical idea for you if you are totally adventurous.  Approach a local club owner or organization about offering the ticket and trip with you as a contest prize (for single guys only, of course).  Proceeds could be split between the club owner/organization and your ex to pay him back. You could end up with a fabulous (and single) travel buddy.

Dear F.A.G.: I fell for a guy at my gym really hard.  The first thing I noticed was that he had on the hottest workout shorts I have ever seen.  I know it is not a crush because it has lasted for three months so far.  I can’t stop thinking about him.  When I'm having breakfast, I wonder what he's having for breakfast.  When I'm watching TV, I wonder what he's watching on TV.  You get the picture.  What’s the problem?  I have no ideas if he's even gay!  It’s kind of a mixed gym – located in a predominantly gay area, but near an industrial park that gives it a very mixed clientele. How do I find out if this guy is gay?  - Is He or Isn’t He?

Dear Is He:  Sounds like you have a major crush on Mr. Hotshorts. This is a tough one for a couple reasons.  First, you are obsessing over someone you’ve never really met!  Yes, it’s fun, but probably not productive in the long run.  That could be a whole Q & A by itself.  Second, determining if someone is gay has become a cottage (closet?) industry in the press (paging Clay Aiken and Ricky Martin), but the press, for all the spilled ink, has no better track record than you will, at least not trying to guess from a distance like this.  My suggestion is that you actually introduce yourself to him and have a few real conversations.  This will allow you to get to know him and find out if you really do like him as a person and also give you access to learning about whether he is the type to like you as a date.

Dear F.A.G.:  Do you take questions from straight people too and what about lesbians?  I don’t see much about them in your column. – Dare you to sign me…Bitch Girl

Dear Girl:  I love to answer questions from everyone.  E-Male Advice is an equal opportunity column!  Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Queer Eye for the Straight Girl have proven one thing those of us on the inside have known along – those straight people have a lot to learn…Ha!  Lesbians are welcome too and I do in fact address a fair number of their questions (including this one), but I’ll have to think further about wearing the “I (heart symbol) Lesbians” pin you mailed.   

Dear F.A.G.: My friend (yes, really., this is not about me in disguise!) is making a terrible mistake with his life.  He started dating an older man (as in twice his age -  25 versus 50) about six months ago.  He says they are in love, but I don’t know what I would call it. When I have been out with the two of them in public places, people assumed that this guy is our father and referred to him as such. After ordering and making small talk in a restaurant, one waitress said, “You have such polite and well-spoken sons.  You and your wife must be proud!”  I wanted to die from embarrassment. This older guy is very manipulative and my formerly independent friend is a little lap dog.  I also don’t like that this guy has introduced him to drugs and steroids, two things he used to be forcefully against. What can I say to snap him out of this nonsense? – Hating It        

Dear Hating:  Your story illustrates why strangers should not make any assumptions about the relationships among people with whom they have merely a passing moment of incomplete introduction. That was not your problem though; you need help with a doped-up daddy and a dopey son.  If your friend was formerly independent and has changed his personality, this older guy must be fulfilling some psychological need in him, however inappropriate.  That’s his issue and a separate one from the drugs and steroids, which should also be dealt with.  I know I’ll get lots of feedback on this, but I maintain that type of age difference is ridiculous.  They are in different psychological life stages.  If they aren’t, they should be.  Period.  Realistically, I don’t expect you to be able to get through to him, but I do think giving it your best shot is the right thing to do.  Sit him down and show him this column to get the discussion started.  Don’t be shy, you only get one chance to have a discussion like this.  If, in the end, he won’t listen to you, remember you are a good friend who was willing to sacrifice the friendship to do the right thing.