Congratulations! You found Totally Clueless University's hidden gem of an employee- Incompetencia. Instead of taking care of her business at the college, she makes herself busy answering questions from her readers like you. Sit back and get ready for the worst, but most entertaining, advice column you've ever read.
Dear Incompetencia: What is your advice on dating my boyfriend’s younger brother who is
20 and still in high school? – Sally Dear Sally: I love younger
men. And older men. And men my age. But enough about
me. Do you really have to ask, girl? Of course you should
ditch your boyfriend and go for the younger bro. Better yet,
date them both, but not at the exact same time. Unless you’re
into that. But they’re brothers. That might be weird. Well, you’ll figure it out. Anyway, think how much fun it would
be to have the bro and his friends worship you and your college girl
status. Plus, you’ll get to go to a prom again and wear a fabulous
dress. That bro must be something special if the school wanted
to keep him past his 20th birthday. Tell him to apply here to
Totally Clueless University for next fall. I’ll be sure to kiss
his application and leave a lipstick mark so the admissions office
will know I approved. He’ll be a shoo-in. (Note to self: Verify if Admissions Office is the place that does admissions and
applications.) Dear Incompetencia: I’ve always wondered about
this: What is the best time of your college career to? – CJ Dear
CJ: To what? You didn’t finish your letter! I’m
including it anyway to remind my readers of the importance of checking
their work. In fact, checking is so important, that my boss
told me he has to double-check everything I do three times! That’s like a lot. I assume you had some sort of life or death emergency. Perhaps you remembered you had to paint your toenails – that always
take precedence over checking your work. I understand. Let me
use my psychotic powers (Note to self: Should it be psychotic
or psychic?) to guess at what your question was supposed to be. Best time to make a pass at a faculty member? That would
be when your GPA is getting too low. Best time to join a school
activity? When you're about to dump your boyfriend/girlfriend
and you need to expand your social circle. Best time to read
my column? Always (preferably in an altered state of consciousness)! Dear Incompetencia: I’m a freshman. I want to score
with the senior babes on the cheerleading squad, but they don’t seem
interested in me. I thought if I won the mathematics triathlon,
I’d get some recognition. No. So I joined the university
chess team. Nothing there either. Nothing is working. You’re a pretty hot chick, right? What would it take to get
you interested in me? - Mario Dear Mario: There are younger
men and then there are freshmen. There are fresh men too. Well and also younger fresh men, wait now I'm just confusing myself. Let me start over. No self-respecting senior hot chick goes
out with a freshman. Sorry, those are the rules. Hot senior
cheerleaders don’t even date freshmen football players, never mind
freshman chess players. Really, Mario, your high school did
you a disservice not preparing you properly for college. Dear
Incompetencia: My college is notorious for not having enough available
parking. They want us to carpool. (Yeah, and maybe we’ll
all fall into an 80’s timewarp, that was when the first energy crisis
was, I think.) Anyway, you have an in with the bigwigs…how do
you get them to listen when there are serious student issues at stake?-
Paul in Minnesota Dear Paul: A lady does not reveal her age and
I'm nothing if not a lady. (Note to self: Tell Sadie from the
campus bookstore that it’s gross when she picks her teeth with an
elastic in the staff cafeteria after lunch.) Where was I? Oh yeah…I’m a lady. I can’t tell you how old I was in the 80’s
or if there was an energy crisis, but I can tell you it was the decade
of high hair, legwarmers, and breakdancing. Come to think of
it, I did have an energy crisis dancing so hard to all those Madonna
songs. I have no idea what that has to do with your question
about parking. You really should learn to stick to your points,
Peter. Paul. Mary. Whatever your name was. Dear Incompetencia: My roommate is a pig. He leaves his
dirty clothes, fast food containers, and homework all over the room. What would you do? – Jerry in Jersey Dear Jerry: What am I, like
Jesus now? I’m very flattered that you would I ask what I would
do. You failed to mention all the important points in your question. As if: Are the clothes cooler than yours? Then you should borrow
them. Are the fast food containers from tasty places? Then you should eat the leftovers. Is he a brainiac? Then
change the cover page on the papers and turn them in as yours. That’s what I would do. Thanks for asking. Dear Incompetencia:
I think the girl who sits next to me in Life Science has been cheating
off my tests lately. I don’t know how to handle it. It
makes me nervous that the professor is going to notice a pattern in
our papers and we are both going to get in trouble. I don’t
know how to handle this. Please help - Diana Dear Diana: Have
you ever watched a sitcom in your entire life? Every one of
them has this storyline at one time or another. You better start
watching Nick at Nite. That, my dear, is the meaning of educational
TV. All you do is write down all the wrong answers on purpose. Make it easy for her to see your work. Let her turn her paper
in first, then change your answers to the right ones. At least
that’s how Bonnie Kringleschleimer handled it when I sat next to her
in fifth grade and copied from her paper. Dear Incompetencia: I'm
a nursing student. I went to the health clinic on campus the
other day to apply for a position and I was appalled. The doctor
who runs the place has been here for over 50 years and I don’t think
he's read a medical textbook since the day he arrived. The place
is so outdated that it looks like Frankenstein’s lab. What can
I do? That clinic should represent the best this school has
to offer, not be an embarrassment for everyone involved – Newbie
Nurse Dear Newbie Nurse: Take a valium. Get Dr. Ancient to prescribe some for you. Then you won't be so high strung during your practicum classes. (Note to self:
What does that word even mean? Like, break it down. Practicum
should be the word for the day.) The way you describe the clinic
sounds just like the one here at Totally Clueless University. It’s perfectly safe. I go there for all my health needs. Well, not all of them. My breasts are so large, each has a life of its own. In fact, they have their
own doctors - three of them. One for the right one. One for the left one. One to just stand back and say “Wow!” (Need another perspective on issues about life in college? Write to Incompetencia. She loves to share her opionions and life philosophy with her readers, regardless of their college standing. Want to share your enthusiasm for her column with the world? Don’t
forget to browse the Dear Incompetencia and Totally Clueless University
merchandise.)
Would you like to know more about Incompetencia? Read on to find out why anyone would give that crazy woman her own advice column!
PRESS RELEASE
Live From Totally Clueless University... Dear Incompetencia
Want
to know why nothing at your college ever goes right? Welcome
to the administrative offices of Totally Clueless University, home
of everybody's favorite do-nothing, know-nothing, academic administrative
assistant, Incompetencia. Need your change of major
form filed before the semester deadline? Not
when there are nails to be filed instead. Worried about
recording her reality TV shows instead of recording your tuition payments,
Incompetencia is so useless, she makes Karen Walker look like the
Employee of the Year. Incompetencia handles questions on all
aspects of college life from dorms to dating, from the student union
to the science lab. Ask away and you'll swear Incompetencia
works at your school...and just maybe she does!
Dear
Incompetencia is a tongue-in-cheek column that gives those unsung
heroes and heroines of the college scene their day in the sun. (Of course, Incompetencia would forget to pack the sunblock and everyone
would end up with severe burns and heat stroke, but that is all in
a day’s [lack of] work for Incompetencia at Totally Clueless University.)
Not
content to mangle just her administrative tasks, Incompetencia takes
on all things college related. While sincere, her advice is
as useful as an oiled up pig at a debutante ball or a half-eaten turkey
leg attached to a water lily. Though many seek it out for its
amusement potential, none should follow it.
“Well I never,” Incompetencia
responds when told that people are informed they should not follow
her advice. Then she catches a glimpse of herself in her always-open
compact mirror, “Look at me. The hair, the nails, the exquisite
makeup, the flawless features, hello, look at the boobs…who am I kidding? Of course I have. A lot too. Have you seen that new Dean
of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences? He’s actually hot! Or was
his name Dean and I met him outside of the Art Building? Or
was it the Science Lab?” She strokes her hair lost in what passes
for thought and continues, “Um, where were we?” Yes, boys and
girls, that is our beloved Incompetencia.
Writer Matthew W. Grant, founder of Comprehensive Advice .com,
says, “Anybody who has ever attended college will swear that he or
she knows exactly who Incompetencia is. In fact, thinking back on
my own college days, I have a few people in mind! If my experiences
and those of my friends from various universities are any indication,
it’s a safe bet that Incompetencia is a fixture at every college in
the country!”