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I am having a dating dilemma. I recently met a guy (I'll call him Seth) and we went out for drinks. We had on OK/kind of boring time, but I wasn't swept away by him so I figured we wouldn't see each other again. He called so I decided to give him another chance. I do have a history, I am not proud to admit, of giving people the boot rather quickly…from a fear of commitment? Probably…I have learned to be alone for so long now that it is basically unfathomable to think of myself in an actual relationship. We had planned on a non-drinking date for Friday evening. I was also thinking of bringing him to a college friend's party at another time to see if he can let loose. You know a test drive of sorts.
The problem that arises is that I have been talking with another guy (call him Jake) that I met online and I would like to meet him for a drink. It is up to me to suggest a time.
My friend says that I should cancel with Seth on Friday and have a drink with Jake instead. This sounds like a good idea except that I feel that I should have a non-drinking get together with Seth before taking him to a drinking party. Another option is to meet Jake Sunday afternoon for a drink. I am not too sure how I feel about drinking on a Sunday afternoon though…maybe we should meet up for a sundae? Help!
I applaud your decision to give someone another chance. (I doubly applaud your own self-reflection to realize a fault, take responsibility, and then take positive steps to correct it.) Unless a date is truly horrid or inappropriate, I believe a second date should always be tried since many people are more nervous on their first dates than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs and disaster ensues unnecessarily.
You mentioned that due to the drinking, you were concerned that Seth got more and more flirty as the night wore on. When I first read your letter, I wasn’t sure where it was heading and I was concerned for your safety. It sounded like you had met in a public place and just said goodbye at the end of the night without anything physical happening. That’s good, especially for a first date. Still, in the future, I would be cautious of having so many drinks on dates that the flirting meter hits the red zone! Perhaps in the future, all your first dates should be non-drinking.
The non-drinking date is an excellent idea. Your friend has given you bad advice about canceling a date already set. How would you like it if someone canceled a date with you to go out with someone else? Not someone you would want anyway, I presume…therefore, you should not act in a manner that you think would be undesirable in someone else.
While I personally favor dating only one person at a time, I feel it is reasonable and acceptable to juggle both on the same weekend as long as you have been completely upfront with both Seth and Jake about those plans. (If they agree, then be sure to get extra coffee at your favorite place; you’ll need the energy.) You will be one busy woman this weekend. I hope one of them turns out to be what you are looking for.
Enjoy your Sunday sundae!
Your Personal Advisor
Hi,
I recently signed up for a month’s worth of service at an online dating website. After thinking about this and getting numerous replies to my profile already, I have decided that I really don’t think it is going to work for me-not to be negative.
The reason is that the outgoing nature girl I seek is out there in nature, not sitting in front of her computer. The women that have contacted me are lonely and, I believe, spend all night sitting there trying to talk to guys who are in better shape than they are. They are not my woman!
The lady I want does not do that with her time, she is outside running, biking, and being active. I still have 3 weeks left paid for. I will keep my profile live for that time and do some serious weeding of the dead weight. As much of a gift to society it would be to be a personal trainer/nutritionist/life coach/etc. That is not on my ‘to do’ list right now.
What do you think?
That’s an interesting point about the nature-type person not sitting in front of the computer. However, you are a self-described nature person who is sitting in front of the computer! The computer is a much more organized way to find someone, even a nature person, than to stake out a path in the woods and hope Ms. Perfect jogs on by! I say, stick with it and keep typing away.
Although the Internet is a one reasonable method of finding someone, there are others. Don’t become a Net addict who never goes out of the house. You will quickly find yourself trying to get back in shape after one too many nights glued to a chair for hours on end.
Since you are very specific in the qualities you want, try to find some places in which other people who share the qualities are likely to be. Since you cited “running, biking, and being active,” let’s start there.
If you could use some extra money, get a job at a local sports enthusiasts store. You will meet many people who share the same interests and you will probably find it fulfilling to help others find enjoyment in their outdoor activities.
One other thing- don’t be so quick to dismiss those who may write to you based on your online profile even if they don’t fit your ideal picture of the outdoor type. I agree with you that you would not want to take on the role of trainer/nutritionist/life coach, but you may meet someone who is sincere about getting into better shape and you could be her inspiration. You want to stay in shape anyway so you might as well share the experience.
Hope you stay fit and happy.
Your Personal Advisor
I am having some relationship trouble with a friend of mine. We became close friends last year, but there had always been some sexual tension between us. We were always a very affectionate pair, always holding hands and cuddling with each other, leaving other people to wonder if we were dating or not. Rather embarrassed by the insinuations of others, I would tell others sternly that we were not dating and that I was not interested in him in that way. Thus, no one knew my true feelings for him, not even my closest friends.
This is how our relationship has played out for one year. We never officially stated that we were dating, so we were not tied down to each other and could date other people if we wanted to (although I never did...). Yet, we always knew our relationship was going to lead to something more (he was even talking about marriage at one point...)
But the situation changed this weekend. At a club, he got a little too wasted, to the point of grinding with a girl the whole night on the dancefloor. Later, I heard rumors how he was holding her hand the entire night and that they had made out. He denied it, although he mentioned that he was very drunk and could not be sure. However, he stated that I was smarter and more beautiful than this girl, so I should not be worried, that he was more attracted to me, obviously. i
But I was hurt by the situaition as he ignored me the entire night. I left the party crying and later had a panic attack. What made it worse were the rumors that were swirling about the situation as well. We became the topic of conversation.
Since then, we have had a discussion on where our relationship should go. I stated that our relationship is rather unhealthy and that we should shit or get off the pot already. His response: he still wants to see what is on the menu. He says I shouldn’t be seeing the situation in black and white terms, that being we date or we don’t talk. He believes I am giving into pressures of people wanting us to define our relationship, and he won’t believe me when I state that it is for me. I want to define it for myself. I just don’t want to hang in limbo where our relationship is open, because I know I will get hurt. (It has happened before in other “fake” relationships.) But he says that we should let the gossip settle because right now he is feeling pressured into a relationship with me, like he is caged, and he knows he will be resentful to me if we start dating because of it, and he doesn’t want to start out our relationship like that. He says we should just let our relationship continue how it has been and discuss dating in a FEW months.
But I’m unable to eat or sleep because of it. I have even lost quite a bit of weight since the incident. To make matters worse, he told me to go on a date with some man that asked me out, just so I didn’t feel tied down to him. I know he told me to go out with this specific man because he knew I was not interested in him. My “friend” promised not to date the girl from the party (she has already moved on to another guy in fact...unbeknownst to him), but he has not promised to stop dating other girls.
What would you suggest doing? I have been thinking of cutting off my contact with him (although we work together in a large store and often have overlapping shifts) because I know if we continue as friends, it will continue on the same track it is right now.
You have already done a great job of explaining the situation and analyzing it impressively. Therefore, I have a feeling that this is a case of asking for advice while using the definition of “advice” to mean something you ask for when you already know the answer, but are hoping to hear something different.
So let’s indulge your deepest fantasy for just a moment: Wait several months. The ensuing time between now and then will make him realize what a fool he has been and he will ask you, no beg you, to be his one and only true love. OK, does that sounds like what you’ve been fantasizing about right from the beginning? It is a lovely fantasy but alas, thoughts like this are called “fantasies” for a good reason - that just ain’t that way it’s gonna happen, as they say.
I know that you feel very close to him and you obviously love him for the many good qualities he no doubt possesses, but (and this is HUGE, it’s the dealbreaker) you stated it perfectly when you quoted him about wanting to see what else was on the menu. I think he skipped right to the desert menu: He wants to have his cake, eat it too, and get a side plate of brownies! The answer that you should give him is a gigantic, “Not in my restaurant.”
Men love attention like this. He loves the idea that he can make out and hold hands with other girls at parties (and the old ”I was too drunk to remember” excuse is about as tired as Lance Armstrong after he won the Tour de France for the seventh time) and all the while he knows that no matter how horrendously, he treats you, his supposed close friend, you will always be there with open arms waiting for him. That is the classic male ego at work.
That excuse of him saying people are pressuring the two of you into turning this into a relationship and he would actually resent you if you officially started dating...did he say that with a straight face? Does he realize how insulting he is being? He should be honored, humbled, and thankful that a loyal and loving girl like you wants to date him. Instead, he would rather have public make-out sessions with girls at parties in front of you and tell you to date people he knows you don’t even like. I’m not so sure you would want him anyway thinking about his behavior in that light.
You did the right thing by having the, “fish or cut bait” discussion. When I was first reading your letter, that is what I thought to tell you. I was happily surprised to see that you had done that. Good for you. That is step one. The second step is having the conviction to see it through now and realize since his answer was not in any way what you wanted, needed, or deserved to hear. I agree with your idea to break off contact with him. Don’t worry about working with him. You’ve worked over the years with lots of people you neither spoke to nor liked. Unfortunately, that will always be the case.
I know this is going to be more easily written and said that put into daily practice, especially when he apologizes after a few weeks when he sees you are serious about not dealing with him anymore. Accept the apology graciously and consider it closure to the matter, not the opportunity to put yourself back in to this situation that is so upsetting to you that it is even having a stressful physical effect on your body. Anytime, you start to have second thoughts about staying away from him, come back to this letter. Don’t read my part, though. Read yours. Ask yourself, is this how I wanted to be treated? Would someone who really loved me properly treat me this way?
Although you will always love the idea of what could have been with this man, your time will now be better spent finding the man that will consider you “every woman in the world” - no menu necessary!
I’ll send good thoughts your way.
Your Personal Advisor