Dear Matthew:
My children's father and I separated 3 years ago and have been divorced 1yr.
He has a girlfriend that he lives with. The children are 16 and 17, and are
not exceedingly fond of her, but are getting more used to her. My concern
is that she goes everywhere and does everything with him and the kids rarely
get anytime with their father one on one. Tonight she attended parent
teacher conferences with him.
I have my own issues with her and try not to impose them on the children as
they need to let their father be happy and get along with her. My problem
with her is that she is very nosey. I had some boxes stored at the house
before the divorce and she looked thru them all. After the divorce, he
moved out and I moved back in. He came back to get some things he wanted,
and she came in about 5 minutes after him. She did not knock, came in and
when straight to my bedroom where he was getting the boxes from the closet.
My question is: would it be acceptable to ask that she not attend such
personal events as a student conference or college financial aid interview.
I guess I understand his life is with her and he should share what happens
at these events with her, but I feel I can not ask the questions I would
like, nor discuss personal concerns about things when she is there. I feel
I'm a private person and do not wish to share with strangers. The school
may be able to give separate conferences, but in our school system the
children attend these and I still would like to continue our "united front"
with the kids. – Divorced Parent
Dear Divorced Parent: First, I would like to compliment you on letting the children form their own opinions of her and not trying to impose your issues with her on them. I'm sure that is a very difficult thing for you to do and you probably have not received any credit for that, least of all from your former husband.
The next point involves your ex-husband's level of commitment to his girlfriend. You did say he lives with her so I am hoping that they are engaged. He is treating her as a wife and stepmother to his children by involving her in these activities. It sounds as if he is trying to make her a permanent part of their lives, which is what she will be if he makes her a permanent part of his life. This would be a little clearer if they were actually married at this point, but based on what you have told me, I'm going to assume that is the direction in which they're headed..
The girlfriend may be nosey, or she may feel left out (even though you feel she is overly involved), or she may even be actively asserting herself into different situations because she wants to prove to your ex-husband that she can be a good mother to his current (and perhaps future) children. Regardless of the intentions, this is the situation and I'm afraid the easiest thing for you is to accept it. When it comes to blended families, you really have no choice but to share things that you might like to otherwise keep private. When the decision was made to divorce and separate years ago, that also opened up the possibility and likelihood of sharing the children's life events with new spouses and partners..
I agree with you that the line must be drawn with her (or anyone) barging into your bedroom without knocking. We’ll skip speculating on intentions and assume she was there to help carry the boxes. I wouldn't bring it up now since the moment has passed, but should something similar occur in the future, a polite, but firm admonition such as, "We have a house rule against coming into private spaces without knocking, please don’t do that again as I want to make sure we all set the right example for the kids," should get the message across.